Goodbye

A few years ago, I considered myself a writer. I wrote in my journal to relax and unwind no matter what kind of day I had. I wanted to be a children's/teen writer and enjoyed creating characters and plots and I wrote short stories that I was proud to share with my friends. Those days are gone. Now writing in my journal seems like a chore. There is nothing relaxing about it. I put a lot of negative feelings out there about things I am feeling right now and in the past that would've been cathartic. It would've made me look back on my life and see that things aren't so bad after all. That's not the case this time. This time it made me feel worse. That being said, I think it is time to shut down this journal. It was fun while it lasted, but now I have to face facts. I am no longer a writer,

Wow!!!

WOW WOW WOW WOW!!! I have a new favorite author!! I just finished reading The Secret Life of CeeCee Wilkes by Diane Chamberlain and it was A-MAZE-ING!!!!!! It usually takes me a couple weeks to read a book because I am the world's slowest reader and my attention span is awful and I usually have to reread past chapters to figure out what is going on and what characters appeared when and all, but this one? I blew through it in 2 days!! I loved it that much! I can't wait to read more books by this author :)

Brunette

Growing up, I hated my dark brown hair. I thought a girl couldn't be pretty or get a handsome guy unless she was blond with blue eyes. Then a wonderful thing happened! Beauty & the Beast came out. This movie quickly became a favorite of mine, mainly because of its fabulous heroine named Belle. A girl with brown hair and brown eyes! Finally, a Disney princess I could relate to! (Also, she liked to READ with made me love her even more!!!) Yes, Belle is my favorite Disney character. (I'm not afraid to admit that if I ever have a daughter, she is going to be named after her.) She was the first (at least the first that I remember) brunette princess. After I saw that movie, I stopped wishing that I had been born with luscious locks the color of cornsilk.

Now, can you imagine how thrilled I am that Prince William picked a dark-haired beauty to be his princess? Makes me love my brown hair even more. And who says that blonds have more fun? I used to, but now, I'm pretty happy being a brunette.

Christmas!!

Thanksgiving begins my Christmas spirit! From Thanksgiving until Christmas Day, my radio will play nothing but Christmas carols, I will sing nothing but Christmas carols, and I begin thinking about my Christmas shopping. Yesterday, I hit Toys R' Us with my friend, Jessica from school. I ended up buying gifts for my neices, with I'm happy about because I find it hard to shop for babies. I always get stuff that's too either too old or too young, but she helped me, so I was happy!

Last night, Jamie and I put our tree up. We got a fake tree this year- figured it would be better fir our tiny apartment. However, it's very scraggly and just plain awful looking, so we're going to return it and get a real tree. We'll just find a small one.

Anyway, I am pretty bummed about something, but it's something I have no control over. I'm trying to focus on things that I do have control over. Things that make me happy. The thing bumming me out will happen over time, I just have to keep remembering that.

Weekend

It was so weird having an entire weekend with no work. I asked for weekends off at work, because this MOD (pediatrics) consisted of clinicals during the weekend. As disappointed as I still am, I have to admit, it was nice being able to sleep this weekend. To write. To spend some time with Jamie. Yes, I am still disappointed about not being in school, but I have talked to many people about it. People who aren't disappointed in me. I thought a lot of people were going to be, but som far, nobody is. I'm slowly getting over being disappinted in myself. Things happen and sometimes, we just need to move on. I'm going to continue my current "leave of absence" (that's my official enrollment status) with things that I enjoyed that I never got to do while I was so busy with school. The things mentioned aboved, but I'm also adding scrapbooking, karaoke, and catching up on reading to my list. I currently have 57 titles on my Nook. I've read 3 of them. Yup, I've got some catching up to do. :)

Life is Short

My heart is heavy tonight. I just learned that a girl I was friends with at TVI recently died. 30 years old. I used to think 30 was so old. Too old to begin a career, too old to have a baby, too old to discover a new hobby. It took me turning 30 to start believing that's not true. Just because I was 30 didn't mean that I didn't have a long future ahead of me. Now I'm questioning that. Life is short. It can end at 30. not just end, but end suddenly. I guess instead of planning for a long future, you should always focus on today. Live today as it may be your last day. You never know. It may be your last day.

Fight...

Well, my fight is over. I have nothing left to go on to get back in. I've talked to the Director of Nursing about the tests containing questions from outside sources other than our textbook and that the tests were advanced-level NCLEX style questions when none of us had an NCLEX preperation course. I've mentioned how the teacher got hostile if you asked her anything about any tests questions and how she would proceed to yell at me if I asked her about tutoring. I've mentioned how 12 out of 18 people were failing on the day of the final. Why aren't they listening to anything I have to say? Because I didn't email the Director to complain while all this was going on. The fact that I am not confrontational is biting me in the ass. The fact that I thought it would be like every other class I struggled in from this point on and expected the final to save me. I've learned my lesson. If anything like this ever happens again, I will send email after email of complaints. I will write many letters to the President of the school and to the Directors and the the admissions office as well. Never again will I be afraid of upsetting someone. I will be a fantastic nurse. I may not be a fantastic student, but having a 3.31 up to this point shows that I am not horrible either. I never before thought I could feel the overwhelming sadness I am feeling right now. Oh well, when one door closes another opens, I guess. For right now, I am putting the navy blue scrubs to rest and I am going to focus on Barnes & Noble for awhile. At least I can make some extra money while I wait for answers to my future.

10 weeks...

That's all I have left of school. In 10 weeks, I should be getting my diploma then study for the N-Clex until I am all cleared to take it, and get my RN license and become a nurse.

So I thought. Today I had my final in Acute Care. The past 5 weeks have been ultra stressful and guess what? I FAILED!!! I needed a 90 on the final to pass the course and I got an 85. Which puts me at a 78.1 for the course, when an 80 is passing. I'm out. I'm done. Basically, my only option is to hope someone in the class behind me fails out so I can take their place in January. I have no idea what I am going to do. It's been years since I've cried as much as I have this afternoon. But really, I went into this class with a 3.31 and then fail. By 2 pts. I am so pset, I can't even see straight anymore. Please pray for me. I really need to figure out what to do. A whole year of nursing school may have gone down the drain. An entire year, as well as $37,000 in tuition. I am so FREAKING OUT!!

Finally...

An accomplishment I am proud of. I have been told that this is the hardest mod of the entire program. This is the mod where most people either fail or drop out because it is so difficult. What am I taking this mod? Nursing Math and Pharmacology I. How am I doing? Well, I got a 100% on the first math test, and 84% on the second math test, an 86% on the first pharm test, and the pharm test I just took on Monday? A 96%!!!! I never in my life expected this! I have my third pharm test on Friday and I'm not nervous one little bit. I have discovered the way that I need to study and I have finally learned how to take a test. I went in Monday without any nervousness. I told myself that I would do my best and what I know, I know and what I don't know, it's too late to stress about it. So I took it and I just about aced it. GO ME!! :)

Awful...

This has been a couple of awful weeks. Clinical sucked both days and not only did one of my classmates embarass me in front of everyone else in our clinical rotation, but my instructor hated me and told me she was passing me as a courtesy but I really need to get my act together and stop being afraid to bathe patients, change diapers, etc. I think I made a big mistake. I wish I could start over. I wouldn't make the same mistakes in life I have made. My life is one big mistake. I wanted to clean my apartment today, but I'm too depressed to even do that. I don't care if we get bugs; i'm going to bed.

I'm trying to write a research paper on whether or not violent video games contribute to youth violence. I am so stuck. I haven't written a paper since 2004 and I have no idea how to write my own thoughts without plagerizing. Why do I have to take all these English courses when I have my FUCKING ENGLISH DEGREE?? I wonder what lead tastes like. I'm thinking of swallowing a bullet.

Clinical

Yesterday was my first clinical rotation. At a nursing home. The most depressing place I have ever been in my life. Old, frail people. I was so afraid of hurting my patient, that I don't even think I gave her an adequate bath. I am really hoping I didn't make a mistake in choosing this as my career. I'm starting to have second thoughts, though. I am so upset right now and I don't even have anyone I can talk to. Everyone else in my class had a great time. They all got along really well with their patients and they all seemed so confident and skilled. They actually knoew what they were doing. I had no clue. I felt lost all day. When I asked for help, I felt as if people were talking down to me. When is my life going to go the way I want? I hope reincarnation exists. I won't fuck up next time.

I have survived

Microbiology! I ended with a B, which surpirses me because I missed 23 on the test where I had to identofy Gram-Negative and Gram-postiive bacteria. Ugh! SO glad that's over. I had critical thinking today, which isn't too bad except it's a lot of getting-up-and-speaking sort of stuff which I HATE HATE HATE!!! Tomorrow I have my first Nursing course. Nursing Concepts I. I will learn how to make a bed, give sponge baths, etc. I'm very nervous, but very excited as well.